while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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