Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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