peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Randomize
