to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
