you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
