the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
