btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
