It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize