Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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