From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
