Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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