My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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