Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize