Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
