It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
