you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize