there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
