take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
