If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
