you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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