That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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