You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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