Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
