everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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