Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
