Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
