I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
