She announced her abortion via fbk
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize