shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize