I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
