I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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