I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My feet surprised me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
