I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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