I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
