STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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