You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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