Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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