He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
