He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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