3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
