does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
