Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize