It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
