I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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