Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
