just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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