I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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