we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
