i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
