yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize