fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
