You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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