OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
