why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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