We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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