I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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