James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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