I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize